Here we go

I just needed somewhere that I can go to and put my feelings and thoughts down.  I don’t want to bother my friends and family all of the time with what I am thinking, and I definitely can’t go to Mitch much because I don’t want him to worry about me at all.

Right now we are waiting to hear back from the surgeon’s office on when he will have his gall bladder removed.  The surgery is simple/basic, but I can’t help but worry and be a little scared about the extenuating circumstances with Mitch’s heart spasms and vasculitis.  He is so worn down as it is that recovering from this surgery will take quite some time.

We are also waiting to hear back from the Cleveland Clinic on insurance approving the procedure to do the chemotherapy infusion of the drug to treat the vasculitis.  It is a painstaking wait and with having his gall bladder out we know it will be at least two weeks after that surgery before we go for the infusion.  It is hard not to get your hopes up that the drug will help, but I am getting almost desperate for something to help him feel better.  I love Mitch like nothing else, it hurts so much to see him essentially as a shell of himself right now.  The man he was when we got married was out scuba diving, skiing, and just having fun.  Now the thought of getting out of bed most days is more than enough for him to tackle.

For my selfish part – it is very difficult for me many days.  I try to give myself some “me” time every night, which means my house has been seriously neglected.  It is depressing to walk in my house each night and see the disaster it has become.  I don’t want to let anyone into my house at all.  I try to do a little at a time, but I get overwhelmed and end up “hiding” from it.  I try to work full-time at my regular job, get Alex to/from the sitter as well as fed, bathed, changed and to bed, go to Jeff’s events to see him, do my part with the band boosters, play courier to/from Mitch’s office, print and fax paperwork for Mitch, manage rental properties and deal with the stress they are causing right now, and try to take care of myself.  I joined the gym but have not had a chance to go lately due to being sick and having to use my lunch hours to courier papers or work through them to make up time I have had to take off for various reasons.  Some days I just want to break-down, but I know I can’t and I have to push through and try to keep a smile on my face in the meantime.

The other day I wrote down a few random thoughts that passed through my mind:

Outside I may be smiling but inside I am crying

Often I wonder how much more is to come and how much more I can really handle

You ask me how I am doing and I say all is well because you really don’t want to know the truth

Yes, I will be ok.  It does help to know that you care and I wish you could help.  But this is an internal demon that must be fought alone.

Sometimes I do ask for help, but everyone is too busy to take time to listen or act

If *that* is what you think is the worst that can happen to you, you have it really easy and you have no clue

Those who truly do care and would give me their shoulder or take me out for an evening all live too far away.  Those who live close enough that I thought they would be there for me…well, I found out just how un-important I am to them.

It is amazing how your family will turn away from you and try to screw you over in the process – and blame you for it along the way.